Black Heart
by Hitsuji Kinno
Summary: Usagi is sweet and innocent, but is Neo Queen Serenity? After fighting Chaos and defeating it, everyone looked at the damage done to Earth. No one thought that the wounds could have run deeper. NOT a betrayalXbashing fic.
1. Battle Not with Monsters

The chapter title is a reference to a poem by Friedrich Nietzsche

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No one is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart: for his purity, by definition, is unassailable. -- James A. Baldwin

You will judge me harshly, even hate me for what I am about to tell you. You will say I am wrong, that there was another way, and the actions I took were invariably not suited to what actually happened. But as Queen I have no regrets, I could not let myself think of other people's judgments and the distance that they may cause. It is not a confession nor affirmation, it's a statement of fact in how things are and could be.

Yes, hate me now, for later you will feel no pity or mercy for me. I am sure you will label me for creating such an intricate falsehood. What I am about to tell is not pretty.

I was once a girl of 16 with ponytails in buns. I despise that girl now. So naive, trite and carefree. She knew nothing about the affairs of state. She did not know the price she would cost herself later.

You love that girl, and through that girl you are supposed to love me. For she was perky, a little dumb, klutzy and but always fighting for what was right.

But the first act you must know to understand how I am now.

I was fighting against the wave of attacks from what would become the Black Moon family. The humans that had become brainwashed by the power of Chaos had rendered governments into utter anarchy. There was no peace, there was only war. It was much too soon. It was much too harsh, and the war against them too much too long...

* * *

Usagi woke up to the sound of her mother screaming at her for being late to college, _yet again_. Not that it mattered since she knew that the investment wasn't going to last. Mamo-chan was going to meet her after classes. The glitter of the heart-shaped ring on her left finger told of the proposal that Mamoru hadn't quite gotten around to. It had been what? 4 years now since he'd given her the ring, but in all that time he'd never really told her what the ring was for. She could see him try to summon up the courage, but then his mouth would flap a little wildly before he inserted a non-related comment. Such as last Sunday when they went to the park. The sun was rising, and they were looking over the water of Tokyo Bay. She'd fallen asleep on his shoulder, waiting for him to try to explain why he had roses in his hand for her, but when she woke up to the sound of him wrestling to rouse her, he didn't say anything.

He was supposed to graduate next year from undergraduate, since his overseas studies were delayed by a year due to the battle with Galaxia. The thought of him being killed like that still ran chills through her spine. He was trying very hard to become a doctor, and to expedite the process he'd taken on a few extra classes. Amazing, and lovable as he was he'd already managed to get honors for 4 straight years in a row.

Usagi--she wasn't so lucky. She'd barely managed to pass the College entrance exam. Even though she'd insisted that Mamo-chan would propose to her properly and ask the question that was supposed to be asked, her mother wouldn't take any of it. But life was good as it was.

Makoto was majoring in business (So she could open her dream shop), Rei was furthering her studies as a miko at the shrine, Minako was constantly going to auditions (and being somewhat rejected, though she promised to keep going) and Ami was becoming a doctor as well.

The thought of Sailormoon felt like it was long in the past, the thought of Neo-Queen Serenity was too far into the future for her to imagine. It would have been a content life until this day that she faced it. This is when she began to change and the view of the world changed before her.

Usagi had for once woken up too late and would live to regret it. She had not noticed the sky was filled with red and black smoke. If she had woken up on time for once, perhaps she wouldn't have seen what she saw before her. It did not matter because in the next few months she would get no sleep. Chaos had arrived.

It really isn't any use to explain how Usagi reacted to this moment and time--she did what she'd always had done in the past, that was to transform. It was a reflex, a reflex she didn't even have to think about anymore. "Silver Moon Crystal Power! Make Up!" weren't words she had to utter in years, but they were the same. She'd defeated Chaos once, how could this be any different?

She contacted her friends, who peered out the window at their old enemy and then it began. Chaos took a new tactic that it had not taken in years before. It was stronger, and more powerful that Usagi imagined, and even with the Silver Moon Crystal, it still grew. It was taking over the souls of humans.

"I can't hold out on this! I need help!" Eternal Sailormoon cried.

It was a phrase that had worked so many times in the past, but around her people were being infected, more than before. Chaos knew who she was this time. It knew her power and had learned from its past mistakes. Who needed a minion when a direct force on a tired Sailor Soldier would work? And just like the predictability, she had called her friends.

"Usagi! Don't give up! We'll help you!" Makoto called out.

And then they were all there lined up in a pretty row lending power to that Sailor Soldier that Chaos hated so much. But it had learned, and maybe Usagi had never seen it before, but Chaos knew better this time.

How a faceless entity could be so clever was beyond Usagi, but this was when she realized that Chaos was not the old foe she'd fought before. Tendrils of black energy infected the city, and then it infected the world. The sky became black, people tried to kill each other, and Sailormoon's attention was split. Chaos knew everything about the Silver Moon Crystal. Just like the Ginzuishou had been born and evolved of the Galaxy Cauldron, so too had Chaos been watching and waiting, absorbing more power and knowledge through each incarnation of Chaos. It was loving it. There was no limit to what it could absorb, and it knew, somehow it knew that if it destroyed everything around Usagi that her attention would be split. It knew.

When Eternal Sailormoon was able to ignore the dark power being emitted forever changing the scope of every starseed it hit, so that it was not the mind, but the soul being corrupted, Chaos reached out and stopped its power at Eternal Sailormoon. What was her strength, now was her eternal weakness. All of the power her friends had was being directed towards Eternal Sailormoon. And that's when Chaos hit her friends. Her friends were defenseless, they were giving all their power to Usagi. Eternal Sailormoon could not block for them.

In all of Usagi's history, in all of eternity of the Selene incarnations, none had tried to stop the power of the gifted crystal in the middle of battle, but here, Usagi was forced to.

It would make sense here if Usagi's heart was struck by a tendril of Chaos, her starseed stricken and changed in the face of it, but this is not so. Usagi did as Chaos wanted her to do--let go of her friends' powers so they could block the oncoming attack and refuse any help. Chaos no longer wanted to possess that confounded crystal, but to forever destroy it. It intended to get revenge on the one that Guardian Cosmos had favored so greatly. Guardian Chaos had freed Chaos after a long battle with Guardian Cosmos. The balance of the Galaxy would finally change to their new order, progress would come from destruction and not peace.

For every incarnation that Usagi had killed, she would pay. She would pay for destroying the future, re-igniting future plans of Chaos. Chaos knew that she had given hope to the future Sailormoon--Sailor Cosmos. It knew not if this was Usagi reincarnated a descendant or both, but it knew that at this point and time Usagi had to pay for everything and this was the last chance for it to do so. She had done murder and she should know it.

"Eternal Sailormoon, let us help you..."

"I can't let you, Chaos will attack you again..."

"But can you hold out like that?"

Then it happened, Eternal Sailormoon turned into Neo-Queen Serenity. This was a shining entity that Chaos had seen in the distance. A beacon of endless light that Chaos could not understand. But Chaos was prepared for this too. The sky rumbled with what could be called laughter, the black sky focused over Tokyo, over that one spot, and Chaos hit her with everything it had, including the power it had gathered from Earth's own people.

Neo-Queen Serenity couldn't hold out and collapsed. Defeating the enemy even for a second, Chaos spread out across the sky, so there was no light and for every starseed in existence, every life force it sucked the power it needed to set it's next plan in motion. This was only the beginning. It knew its real goal. And that goal would destroy its enemy once and for all.

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	2. Line Dividing the Heart

The chapter title is a reference to a quote by Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

* * *

Is the line between good and evil so clear to you that there are no grays? If I drew a line in the sand with a stick, and told you to stand on that line without obscuring it at all, could you do it?

The line for me blurred. I don't know when or how, but looking back at her, I hate her. My younger self. She knew nothing of the true nature of the world. But this was the day that she finally learned...

* * *

Chaos disguised what it was doing with the absolute things that it knew would hurt this one who had once been a God to a mere human. Watching the incarnations of Selene being gifted, given, and grow, watching forever and not being able to take physical form, Chaos had found the one thing about these mortal bodies in this human called Tsukino Usagi. There was one thing that was paramount to her. The love of friends and family. Chaos has no sense of deep-founded logic to it, it spreads, but it is still cold and calculating in how it thinks and attacks.

This is how after spreading its arms out, and capturing knowledge from souls, it found what it needed to know. Tsukino Usagi's friends. Not those Sailor Soldiers, not those guardians of planets and power, but the ones without power. What did they call it here...?

Sakurada Haruna had long forgotten about her flaky student in high school and was still trying to find a man to marry. Huffing, she blew at her bangs. The sky had been black lately, but the Principal--as usual wasn't worried about it. If Godzilla attacked Tokyo Tower, the school would still run. More than half the school including the teachers were sick or out of school. The feeling of these occurrences happening more frequently when a certain bad English student that was once in her class was quickly dismissed as irrational.

"Sakurada Haruna, pull yourself together..." she muttered. She peered at the sky again. The usually crime-free Tokyo was filled with terrorist activities lately. She looked around for her new car when...

_Ah, yes, Juuban Junior High. That's what they called it. And there she is._

_Whose next? Chaos asked itself probing this human's mind. So dirty with pure thoughts of "marriage" and having a good life. Oh, someone even better, but toy with them later. They are too soon on the totem. Flailing her like a discarded doll a few feet from the Sailor Soldiers, who were still distracted with their fallen queen, it looked for the next rung on the ladder._

Umino Gurio for his brilliance had landed a job at a top firm--granted without the adoration of his high school crush, but it didn't really matter now. Despite the very thick glasses, he'd managed to land himself a fiancee. He was going to meet her now. He'd long been forgotten by that girl from high school. She never even crossed his mind now.

His beloved would be scared right now. He had to hurry because he knew the reports were getting more and more extreme. Something about the weather shifting. He thought that it might be a flux in Earth's salination of the global currents and an overall pollution of the Earth causing a general flux in the balance of the Earth. In short, something on the order of global warming.

_Oh delicious, lots of knowledge, and with his body in front of her... it will be beautiful. Just where to place it..._

One by one every aquaitance that Usagi had ever known in her life was slowly being stacked in front of her house. All unconscious. All dead. Outside of them their corrupted starseeds. If she revived them then they would work for Chaos, and she was blocked from getting power from her friends, but she didn't even know this yet. She had only been unconscious for a minute. In a mere 60 seconds, Chaos had systematically laid out every single last person that it knew Usagi would have ever known and next, next would be punishment to those who had ever supported her. In the next minute the sky was raining down bodies of various people.

It was hard not to notice the raining people. It was even harder to realize that all of these people were connected to the sailor soldiers, and they were all raining outside of the Tsukino residence.

Strewn over the concrete wall was Rei's kindergarten teacher whom she'd not seen in years. On top of the house was Makoto's Senpai whom she'd admired all those years ago. On the sidewalk was Marie -sensei (The author of Aurora Wedding), her husband and her dog that Minako had known in her Sailor V days. Across from her was a gentle girl with black hair named Hikaru.

That's when the leader of the sailor soldiers took action. She couldn't sit and do nothing. Even if it would _kill_ her, she would not let Chaos do this to her, her planet, and she would not sit and tolerate this nonsense. It was time to do something, Sailormoon, Usagi, Queen or no Queen, Minako couldn't stand it. Since Minako couldn't stand it, neither could Sailor Venus.

Anger, grief, loss or whatever one would call it in such a moment struck Sailor Venus, and with her Sailor Guardian, Artemis, and every ounce of her being she transformed into a self older than the manifestation that she'd taken on Earth, long before she ever pledged to become a sailor soldier, before she'd gotten Magellan Castle from Queen Serenity. She transformed into Princess Venus and looked defiantly at Chaos.

"I am _not_ going to let you destroy this planet! In the name of the Goddess Venus, my planet, and all is good, even if I die, I won't let you."

But the plan was to let her and the others live. Chaos had been planning this as it had collected knowledge. So easy to humiliate and manipulate, humans, and these incarnations had lowered themselves to actually become these mere creatures. Psychmetry. Dousing. Weather Sensitivity. They'd all tried to shed their past and ultimately their true power. Why be an avatar to a God in a mere shell such as a descendant that was ultimately related to the modern--what did they call it? Monkey. Yes, monkey. This was the best that Earth offered? These empty shells.

Venus pulled out her crystal for the final assault, with Artemis beside her. Even if it was her alone she could let this thing win. Despite the little effect it had, it made no difference. it was not even a bruise, it was a mere itch that Chaos chose to ignore, and like any itch all one has to do is redirect it...

Mugen Gauken's Chemistry teacher landed right next to a very pissed off Uranus who was so angry that words escaped her. Michiru's violin teacher from when she was 5 years old and had to stay in a stuffy estate with her parents practicing her fingering to this crabby, but gifted old man landed on a car next to her. Chaos was having fun at their expense, with what was twisted humor.

Neptune held her partner's hand and whispered softly, "Don't give it what it wants."

"Can Pluto...?" Uranus started.

"No, Haruka," Neptune replied before her lover could finish the sentence.

"I can stop Chaos, or at least hold it back," a young female voice called out calmly. The shiny black hair and older eyes defied her appearance of age.

"Restart everything as before?" Uranus started.

"You need to wake Neo-Queen Serenity first," Saturn replied raising her Silence Glaive.

"Everything will die," a male voice called. He had no one in the world to care about except the women before him.

"With darkness there is always light," Saturn replied spinning her glaive and facing down the monster. She nodded at Princess Venus. They both squared off to face Chaos.

The prince took the place of the other sailor soldiers as they helped with the attack. He held his future wife's head, distantly admiring her beauty despite her awful position, but it was not a feeling he was apt to b able to suppress readily.

The other sailor soldiers had also transformed into their princess forms, given no other choice. They called no only upon their castles, but upon their Gods that oversaw them to guide them in this battle. But it is never a war if it is ended in a few hours, and Chaos figured this out too. It began to hurl people one by one that it had been saving up for desert. First to distract one of the stronger ones-- mars was it? Kotono. Admirer of Rei from Rei's previous high school. The body lay in an awkward position as it landed with a huge thump right on target. Chaos rejoiced in this.

Predictable. Mars quit, too shaken, though Chaos hadn't even served up the desert yet, it was about to. Phobos and Deimos flocked around Kotono.

The one with the brown hair was next on Chaos's list. What weak and pitiful human beings had this Avatar of a God had picked up in this lifetime? From the database of new-found knowledge it had picked up, it dumped Asanuma right in front of Princess Jupiter's eyes. Beautiful how she howled. Her mind, chaos was sure, not at all clear.

Saturn was annoying Chaos the most, trying to wield her glaive, but this child led the same path as Chaos. Destruction. Murder. Death. Yes, yes, Chaos wished to toy with her. As Sailor Saturn brought down her Silence glaive, chaos, surrounded her and absorbed all the energy. It felt like the same stuff as itself. So good, an d even as she tried to tear through, Chaos palmed her in its hand, making that pathetic Neptune and Uranus cry. it probed deep into Saturn's mind and saw the image of a pink-haired girl it did not know. That girl was not to be born yet. Her father was dead, but Ahh... the secrets this girl had, she was not invulnerable. Chaos had claimed her once before. Chaos remembered that time. That was most delicious.

But, ahh, the only thing that had stopped Chaos from winning before was gone! To the future! Yes, so Chaos could succeed this time.

Neo-Queen Serenity woke up to the sight of Prince Endymion before her. Mamoru had not yet wielded the Golden Crystal, so he had not powered up to his future form. Right in her line of sight, Chaos had laid out as many friends as it could. And a new one joined them. A pretty girl with wavy hair and a blue bow that Usagi had only talked to last week to catch up on things. Naru. Osaka Naru, piled on top of her soon after came her sister and Ruruna. No one was spared, and a soundless cry was not enough to begin to describe Usagi's grief.

Words did not begin to start in on Usagi's pain. Usagi, as Neo-Queen Serenity, just rocked an sobbed, but the bodies continued and every soft thump was another person she knew and could easily identify. Neo-Queen Serenity finally shook her head and got to her feet. She screamed as loud as her thickened throat would allow her. It curdled water to hear it.

And with all her strength and anger she raised the Silver Moon Crystal. All she could see was grief, but she'd given Chaos exactly what it wanted. Then _she_ appeared. Not Hotaru. Not Princess Saturn. Not Sailor Saturn. And she was more fearsome than Mistress Nine. It was a mere shadow. For once Chaos left Usagi speechless, and she could do nothing. Because for once Chaos was feeding this vessel directly with the power it had, and this vessel was armed with a giant sharp object.

Neo-Queen Serenity could not purify her. That's when she called for a retreat. But just as they were about to run to strategize, a loud whiz sound and then a crack--not from landing on the pavement, but much, much worse. The sound of broken bones. Rei's grandfather, Rei's father, Minako's mother and father, Mizuno-sensei, Mizuno-san and Motoki all landed with a loud audible crack. After them followed Tsukino Kenji, Tsukino Ikuko and Tsukino Shingo. With that finality there was no one left on Earth that the sailor soldiers knew or loved and Usagi, for once in her life could not handle it. Her mouth open and shut, but no sound came out. For a few seconds she didn't actually see them. Her brother was away on a trip and wouldn't be back for a while, her father was doing a scoop, but they were there, their bodies mangled and disfigured.

The sky roared above them, lightning filled the sky and it was getting darker. There would be no retreat, there would only be fighting until the victor stood with the other dead.

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	3. The Essential Condition of Life

Title: Black Heart Confession  
Author: Hitsuji Kinno  
Rating: PG-13  
Genre: Drama  
Part: 3 - The Essential Condition of Life  
Created: 6/5/06  
Updated: 6/26/06  
E-mail: Hitsuji Kinno hitsuji at takeuchi-naoko dot com

The chapter title is a reference to a quote by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

And I feel lucky for not owning Sailormoon, instead Naoko Takeuchi and PNP do. Read the Author notes/Disclaimers before reading.

* * *

It is not something that people talk about frequently. They say it's evil--even to the point that they will go across the world to seek a fountain of youth. They slather on beauty creams, make up and do everything to fight the inevidable look of not age, but of a word that is far more insidious to them.

Death. La Morte. Dood. Morte. Muerte. Tod. Shi. Whatever you call it in your language it's the same. What's so evil about death? What is so fearsome about death?

It is the only word I know in other languages. Sailor Mercury once was muttering these words to someone out there. She was fraught and worn, but I think sometimes that it was all she had of herself. There had been so much of it, not in a few months, not in a few weeks, not even in a few days, only in a few hours. Just a few hours between waking and walking out of the door, it was true. At the time you may think me not sane--I was inconsolable, but looking back I realize something about death. What is life without death? The world would be over populated would it not? It took me a while to understand this, but is not death an essential of life?

In my hands I have the power to end it all. Or I once did until that one day. This is why my daughter must continue...

* * *

The bodies of whomever had known the Sailor Soldiers were outside of the Tsukino residence. But It did not stop there. Soon the bodies were people that were one degree away from them, people they'd heard about in passing conversation. Makoto was inconsolable, between throwing up and not being able to look out the window.

Usagi wasn't strong enough to fight Chaos and Chaos was just warming up. There was nothing she could do.

"Is there nothing, absolutely nothing we can do?" Rei said angry at the sky, still not able to digest the truth about her father--whom she still had mixed feelings about.

Minako didn't reply, still shaken by the death of her parents. She did not talk like she usually did. It was too frightening to even think about Hikari. What was her price but knowing Minako?

"We can't grieve--not now," Usagi said coldly.

The voice was steel, somewhere between detachment and anger. Of everyone she was handling it the worst. Mamoru tried to comfort her, but couldn't find the words for it.

He hadn't really lost anyone, Usagi angrily thought. He couldn't understand what it was like to have your family almost land on your head. But through the anger, she knew she needed him. He was the only thing anchoring her to the Earth right now. He was the only source of comfort.

It wasn't in Usagi to be calculating. She was not that smart. She still came late to class and had to stand out in the hall with buckets, even in college. But there was something that Usagi was certain of and that at all costs she had to kill Chaos. Not seal it as before, but somehow kill it. She wanted it so it would never return.

It was Ami who spoke mechanically, as if it was a passing thought. It was not something she really meant to say, or was really thinking in actuality, but it was as if her soul was a robot. The smiling Sailor Soldier, a little insecure at time, full of grace, couldn't stop it even if she wanted to.

"Their starseeds--they have to have some energy in them. They have to have some good in them... we can't do this alone--our allies are too far away... but if we could."

"No!" Haruka yelled on the top of her lungs, shaking the blue-haired girl.

"Haruka," Michiru tried to say, but she felt much the same.

"We can't, we absolutely can't! What will separate us from that thing out there?" Haruka asked.

"And then their souls will go into the Silver Moon Crystal. The Silver Moon Crystal will...." Ami trailed off.

Haruka shook her head feverently. Hotaru was a thing out there, absorbing power, the girl she'd raised with her own hands and in here--no. She would not live through another Death of another Kingdom, not like this. The Death of the Moon Kingdom still rang through her head.

Usagi cried at Haruka, "What else can we do? Please tell me. Tell me now. More people are dying..."

People were raining outside like raindrops, one on another until the piles were organized.

"We can't do that!" Haruka said looking at Michiru for support.

Michiru held her partner's hand to try to prevent her from hitting Ami.

"Do you even understand what we lost? Do you understand how many people I knew died?" Makoto asked crying.

Haruka felt the sad gaze. Though Makoto's parents had died many years ago, she'd rebuilt her life and met many new people. Many people from her old school, Juuban High School and her college (which she went to through a sponsor), were outside the window.

"I lost people too. I lost many good friends, I lost--" Haruka couldn't finish. She wasn't one to talk about her inner feelings.

"We don't have time to argue," Rei said factually.

"Let's sleep on it," Michiru said trying to be diplomatic. She knew more than anyone what it meant to wait, but no one was rational now.

* * *

It was getting boring with them locked inside of that house doing nothing. Chaos hated that fact. What was the use of carnage and destruction if no one could see it? Indeed, what was the use of traveling millions of light years to this dinky planet, if no one would watch?

Just as Chaos thought it would get boring, the one that Chaos had come for came out. She was clad in that white dress. She had that confounded crystal. What was the good of that crystal and where were her friends?

And then that's when the battle began. It was not one that ended quickly, but it could not be stopped. Even if the others wanted to help, they could not, for what they saw sickened them. Even Ami who had suggested it in her shocked state could not stand it.

The people who had been laying down on the ground rose limp and their starseeds before them. The energy left the starseeds, but their energy could not return to the Galaxy Cauldron. The energy was absorbed into the Silver Moon Crystal, destroying the starseeds forever.

Through this method, Neo-Queen Serenity nourished her body for the long fight against Chaos. She used the starseed's power to restore Sailor Saturn. She did not sleep. She did not eat. She used the starseeds to make the crystal and her body one. She built the seeds of Crystal Tokyo and the Crystal Palace to strengthen her power. Because it was her heart's desire to do anything she could to defeat Chaos. And because she wanted to save her friends from being included in this act.

She cleared the sky of the leftover starseeds. She used them all, even as Chaos killed even more. Because she had no choice. She needed to save everyone just as she had done before.

She fought three long months straight and when it was over, she collapsed on the pavement, her prince ready to catch her. He brought her to a hospital with what staff was left over.

Neo-Queen Serenity's body was fed real food. For the first time in a long time she really slept. Six months of recovery because her body was worn and the Silver Moon Crystal almost on the verge of shattering. She fought death from the guilt of killing the people she knew so dearly to defeat the greater evil. She fought through the pain because she couldn't let the few friends she had down and she couldn't let the daughter she was to have never exist.

Mamoru stayed with her and conforted her, visiting her every day. She was glad of that.

On the day she recovered, she opened her hand. Tsukino Kenji, Tsukino Ikuko and Tsukino Shingo's seeds were in her hands. The souls that she could not bring herself to destroy. There was one last thing she wanted to do. With her new power she revived their bodies from their starseeds.

So her family she loved rose from the grave. She ran into Ikuko's arms waiting for her mother to scold her about her grades and unfinished homework, or her father wondering about her dates... or her brother making rude comments... but she looked into their eyes and saw they were not the same. No, maybe she had changed. She shook her head as she looked into their eyes. Chaos had found a new way of keeping itself alive. She could see it in their eyes. She knew it.

* * *

... And so, I had to kill them. I thought it would be alright, for two seconds I thought that the Galaxy Cauldron would not be cruel and actually return them to me. I thought that when I killed my mother, my father and Shingo that everything would be alright. Because Guardian Cosmos could not be that cruel.

What was it? Was it the glimmer in Shingo's eyes as I killed him with the sword given to me? Was it the fact that Mama couldn't believe it? Or was it the fact that they had betrayed me? No one ever knew. No one ever cared. No one will ever remember. I will make sure that no one remembers that act I had to do. Even my daughter Small Lady doesn't know. She's not even allowed to think about it. To her, Ikuko-mama exists only in the past and could never exist in the future. She never asks questions about them.

Queen Serenity said to me once that the Silver Moon Crystal depends on the heart of the user. After that day, though I had defeated Chaos my heart turned black, and the Silver Moon Crystal would have too, but the jolt and reversion from my pregnancy prevented it from doing so. It found a new user. This saved me.

You would think that I regret killing my family that I once adored with all my heart. I do. However probably not for the reasons you think. I do not regret that fact that I learned the true nature of this Galaxy--it is harsh and cruel and nothing will bring it back to only good and justice. But I have to keep that face. I do regret killing them because they would have been better for social functions and keeping my image as good and pure. There would be no one who could ever ask questions or break my spell then.

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Like it hate it, I want reviews with some content. Tell me what you liked or disliked about the story, and most importantly why. Critique Tolerance 10 (burn me like a witch). Thank you. 


	4. Mistaking Happiness

The chapter title is a reference to a quote by Mary Wollstonecraft

* * *

What I did was not wrong. I did it for everyone, for happiness, for peace, for utopia. It was never wrong. At the time one doubts their actions because they don't see the result of it. But look before you. There is a land filled with tall crystal spires, progress as was never seen before in history and most of all peace. Do you not see the beauty and the majesty of Crystal Tokyo? This planet prosperes for what I did. Had I hesitated, had I truly thought that it was wrong, no one would be left.

Yes, I did it for the greater good. I did it because only I could do it. Only I could fight Chaos. And when it comes back, I will be prepared. Though I cannot use the Ginzuishou anymore, as it has reverted from the Silver Moon Crystal, I have a new person to keep it shining. That is my daughter.

What leftover threats of people who saw what I did, people would would threaten my hard-earned peace, people who learned of the power I used, the people who I could not cleanse after their starseeds had turned black, or found the ashes, I cast to the far reaches of this solar system, to Nemesis. Because what I did was never wrong, and what I did the younger Usagi, the younger me would not understand. There is a price for happiness and I did no wrong in obtaining it. Now Small Lady must understand this too...

It stopped working after that. The crystal that was shell cast off of Guardian Cosmos's breast had stopped working. It had passed from Queen Serenity to Princess Serenity--Dead to Tsukino Usagi to Neo-Queen Serenity and through all the battles it had gone through it simply stopped working. It would have died and gone black if not for one minor detail--Mamoru had proposed to Usagi and in Usagi's happiness he'd spent the night.

Perhaps this happiness wasn't just the fact that he asked her, finally, but that even though she'd done all those horrid things and had to banish the people she could not purify that she'd brought back to life, nor kill with her left over fading power, that he was still willing to love her. He still believed she was the same. She wanted to believe that too, desperately.

Even with the world destroyed and many government buildings turned to dust, she seemed like the beacon of light that people wanted to turn towards. Was she not the thing that had defeated the darkness? Was she not the person that had brought peace and promised them more peace? Crystal Tokyo looked like a haven, and a dream to the people of Earth after their lives, friends and homes had been destroyed systematically, as after the grieving of a disaster, the humans wished to rebuild.

Despite this the Ginzuishou, the once Silver Moon Crystal, reverted to it's seed form, and would not listen to Neo-Queen Serenity. It would never listen to Neo-Queen Serenity again. For the Ginzuishou knew what no one else would admit.

So how does one build a Kingdom further when the very thing you used to build it--the corner stone, the keystone is gone and no longer at your disposal? Are there not 8 other full-fledged Sailor Crystals and one Prince Crystal to use? Have they not lent power before?

And this is what Neo-Queen Serenity was slowly led to think. It was not a thought that started at the beginning of her reign--for that was truly happy, no later, when people spoke out against her in the newspaper, posted slander in the tabloids and gave rumors and false truths while she was pregnant.

How were they any different than those shells she'd cast to the far reaches of the universe before. She's promised them eternal life. But no, they did not listen. But she suppressed these thoughts, she did so for a long time, until one day just before her daughter was born, and in a fit, she called the power of the other crystals. Those who would complain about her never complained again.

"What have you done Odango?" Uranus asked her.

The thought of her own power to supply the dead Ginzuishou made her head spin.

The only ones who ever found out were the senshi from the outer Solar System. She couldn't steal the power as she thought, discretely.

"It was not right," Neptune said seething. Neo-Queen Serenity could feel the surge of power from her.

"I did not mean it..." Neo-Queen Serenity started.

Saturn held up her staff to the queen.

"I have seen darkness and pain. I've seen the very heart of Chaos and fought against you. You are not what you once were. You are not the Princess we were sworn to protect," Saturn said.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry," Neo-Queen Serenity said.

Somehow those words sounded empty even to her. Neo-Queen Serenity had destroyed starseeds, forever.

But the three soldier advanced on her still. That was when Neo-Queen Serenity realized something--her daughter was going to be born soon, the connection between mother and daughter was strong. She could do it.

The Ginzuishou pulsed in its case and came to the side of its new master, but fell short, not realizing what it had really arrived into. The three Sailor soldiers were banished to their planets to sleep for eternity and to protect the barrier.

Again, the ginzuishou fell dead, confused by the impurity in its new user. Neo-Queen Serenity apologized to the crystal again, which no longer float in her hands and returned it to its rightful place.

"They would disturb my utopia--what else could I do?" Neo-Queen Serenity tried to explain to the inanimate object.

Neo-Queen Serenity explained after that that the senshi from the Outer Solar System had gone to their planets to set up a superior shield. No one questioned her, because who would question a person who had created peace on Earth and prosperity that came with it? This was happiness.

Princess Tsukino Usagi Small Lady Serenity was born. Known to everyone as Small Lady. The bright pink hair and sweet disposition rather reminded Neo-Queen Serenity of her younger self, but this child was the only one who could use the Ginzuishou. It needed to be activated soon. But Neo-Queen Serenity found other ways to keep the peace, because this was happiness.

And this was how the peace was maintained, while the rest of the people enjoyed full lives they never questioned how it was achieved. This was happiness. No one questioned for a second why the Earth was never over populated. What crystal could prevent accidents? In over a hundred, no 200 years of reign that not for a second people questioned her rule. It was happiness after all.

Small Lady grew up into a beautiful child. Neo-Queen Serenity knew that her daughter was getting teased, but said nothing. She could not stand to see the face of her daughter because it reminded her as more the days passed of herself. The older Small Lady got, the more that Neo-Queen Serenity went on trips, though she still tried to be a good mother and smile.

Endymion? Did he not sense it? Did he not see it when she asked never to be called Usagi anymore and for those civilian names to be shed like outgrown clothes? Perhaps in a passing thought, and edge of a memory, but who would want to admit such a thing, the events that happened were behind them, long long ago. Even when she asked if he could use the Golden Crystal, he didn't want to think that the warm body across from him could not see the difference in the human soul. The world was at peace as was once promised, this was happiness.

She did it because she thought it was right. How could anyone deny her that? Who would do so well in her position? This complacency was through careful thinking and choosing. If one could make wolves into dogs, then what of humans? Mercury had thought that up once in a passing thought when her murmurs would not stop inside of her nightmares. Neo-Queen Serenity could do it. This was happiness.

The more she used the people around her into thinking that they were supporting the Ginzuishou the less complaints were raised which meant that people were happy. If no one asked about the high job rates and the lack of homeless, then the Ginzuishou must have done it. Nobody reasoned why Small Lady could not use the Ginzuishou and why she was not let near it for much of her childhood--900 years worth of it. And no one questioned anything. Who would? This was happiness.

And then the day came--the time came for Neo-Queen Serenity to help her daughter activate the Ginzuishou herself. This is why the holographic beds were made and she was prepared. She knew when the Black Moon family would attack--not in the name of power, but of social justice. The Moon Family could live and survive.

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You get the drill by now. Specific comments please.


	5. Gazing into the Abyss

The chapter title is a reference to a poem by Friedrich Nietzsche

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What place is it for you to judge and call yourself lord and master over my morality? Have you sat in the place I sit now? Have you seen the things I have seen that you can call upon me for the wrongs that I have done? How can you judge me so harshly when you have not experienced even an ounce of the responsibility?

The time of judging is coming upon me. I know you will hate me, but I have one last breath to tell you. Make your final judgment upon me then. For right now I stare into the abyss--whether is is sadness, grief or the irksome of feeling of lonliness it's not a question of my own morality--for I am sure I have done right. There is no wrong or in betweens of what I have and have not done. I never said that the decisions I made were pleasant, but what decisions are ever so pleasant? I have one last tale to tell and that is of meeting my former self. And this only affirms the actions I have taken.

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Princess Tsukino Usagi Small Lady Serenity, to be called Princess Tsukino Usagi Lady Serenity when she comes of age was not so much a blight to Neo-Queen Serenity, but an existence of innocence and naiveté that she'd seen in herself all those years ago. It was not the innocence that one sees when looking into the eyes of a puppy, but rather the innocence of not know what was out there in the world and what the world offered.

By stealing the power of the Ginzuishou even though Small Lady, as she was called, had stunted her daughter, she knew the exact date that the Black Moon would attack. She'd seen those numbers on the screen when she was Sailor Moon talking to the holographic form of Endymion. Through this exact knowledge passed onto her and the things that Endymion had said to her, Neo-Queen Serenity saw it as a road map to her future and saw it as something she must do. The war against Chaos had taught her the needs of necessity.

The necessary quotes that her now husband would say still rang in her mind. She did not see it as a choice, but rather something to prepare for and in the end something to bring about. if she did not bring about those events, she would never get the next evolution of the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou--the Pink Moon Crystal.

The words of Endymion when she was Sailor Moon rang through her head time and again as she arranged for the holographic technology to support her husband in the attacks.

"...the land was still with the air of death... We closed the palace down after that, but they used poison gas. One after another, people started dying from it..."

"The life span of people in the Silver Millennium is about one thousand years. After adulthood is reached, the aging process is stopped. When Selenity was 22, she ascended to the throne and gave birth to the first princess."

"...For centuries before that, they sent criminals there in place of capital punishment. After a while, they stopped and left the planet alone."

They... they meaning her and Endymion had sent them. The place? Nemesis. She had finished with that. The time was almost here when the Black Moon would attack with a poisonous gas and kill the population she had so carefully culled--but it was no matter she was done with that little project. She was done with creatively creating accidents for the people who would even remotely speak against her. The rest of the dissenters from Nemesis were going to be killed by her past self with the help of her daughter. She had followed the instructions to the letter so far, she'd bred the people so well that she had no need of Nemesis anymore. No one resisted her. Because to even think it was against how these humans were bred. And to her surprise these domesticated humans under her power and influence lived longer. With some manipulation she'd managed to make it seem to everyone that the Ginzuishou expanded their lives as well.

So she placed the now dead crystal's shell--the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou in its glass case. She let people tease her daughter... and on the day of the attack went "looking" for her. Then everything neatly fell into place. Her past self came and went. So there was one thing that Neo-Queen Serenity felt she needed to do besides upgrading their powers. Look into the eyes of her past self. In a way she didn't think she should. She was afraid to look into those crystal clear eyes that saw no hardships, but slowly she did.

"Just for a little bit..." thought Neo-Queen Srenity "Even though... it could change history..."

And then they met. She saw her. In those eyes, Neo-Queen Serenity saw what was once her former self. Some part of her knew for those seconds that she looked into her own eyes and gave herself the powers to defeat the next enemy that the Usagi before her would have to make the same choice she did on that day when faced with Chaos taking away everything she loved systematically. But in that moment there was a feeling of joy too. Yes, joy, but also incredible sadness.

"Sailor Moon!"

"Neo-Queen Selenity!"

"Thank you...for everything," Neo Queen Serenity said, meaning every word of it.

"No, thank you, Queen," says Usagi. "Oh, there's so much I want to say."

In the end she had nothing to really say to her former self, nothing about motherhood, how to run the city, if she should study more, if she fight harder, she couldn't think of anything, because looking at her former self was looking into a pit of hopelessness, because for those few moments she realized that this person before her understood her less than those around her now. In summary, when faced with herself, unlike all those years of thinking that she would--she had no regrets. Seeing herself was an affirmation of what she had done.

There was one ingredient left: Small Lady, or as she was now called, Chibiusa. Her own daughter would help her past self to her goal. The connection to finding Hotaru was important for the growth of her own daughter and to get herself to this point. This is why she had no warnings for herself in the past and said nothing to her.

Over the months that her daughter talked to her through post cards sent through time, Neo-Queen Serenity waited for the day to come that Small Lady would return with the Pink Moon Crystal. It was a gamble at best, for in the time that Chibiusa was gone, so was the Ginzuishou, the only thing helping her to keep control, but rebuilding the city was important, and she knew she could cull off the population of dissenters once the crystal returned, though under Small Lady's control, but it was a minor matter. Waiting was excruciating.

And even the note where she misspelled the kanji was tough, because she knew after those events the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou would return as the Pink Moon Crystal. She had carefully instructed her daughter, told her about all the things she needed to know about the past and her past self to move her into the right direction so that she could realize her final goal.

Sometimes she wanted to panic because the population of the people in Crystal Tokyo and around the world was growing and Neo-Queen Serenity have very little faith that she'd culled out the gene where they would not rise up against her. If Wolves could become dogs, dogs could become dingos in a few generations. The very thing that was keeping them dogs and not wolves was gone. But the waiting would be worth it.

Then Small Lady returned and they celebrated, because Neo-Queen Serenity knew the Pink Moon Crystal was finally in her grasp. There was only one more event left.

The skies became dark instantly on Small Lady's return. This was enough to shock Neo-Queen Serenity because she didn't know it would be like this. She consulted Sailor Pluto.

Pluto was grateful for her life to be returned to her, so she had no qualms with whatsoever Neo-Queen Serenity decided--Neo-Queen Serenity was her savior, and Neo-Queen Serenity did not let the soldier of time forget whom she served and why. This is why Pluto obeyed Neo-Queen Serenity's wishes even if she knew the result.

That is when Diana begged her to go to the past. "Please," Diana said, "I request that I may once more go to the past! Isn't the source of the disturbance crossing time the attack of the enemies Sailor Moon and the others are fighting!? I wish to assist by going to Sailor Moon, defeating the enemies, and returning peace as it was!"

Yes, return everything back to peace. It was not a request she could refuse outright. So she let her go, and Pluto obeyed.

She thought this would be enough for these were not events she was familiar with. Neo-Queen Serenity originally had thought it best to keep Small Lady with her, which is why she said:

"Small Lady, your training has been completed. You gave the space-time key back to Pluto. Now you must study many things here in the 30th century."

"But-!" Small Lady objected.

"Now, good night. Tomorrow you will begin your curriculum of education at the remote palace on the moon."

But upon reconsideration realized that Small Lady would have to go, and in doing this Small Lady would understand. Even if she was reluctant about it, there was no other way.

And when Chibiusa returned from the Galaxy Cauldron of the past, with her Sailors and tales of Sailor Cosmos, that was when Neo-Queen Serenity finally knew she had what she wanted--she would instruct Small Lady on the moon. Before her was a girl that had known evil as Black Lady, who had died in the Galaxy Cauldron, knew the very face of Chaos and its cruelty, knew the heart of making choices because she had seen the choices that Eternal Sailormoon had made, and even had earned four new sailors.

"Mama, it was wondrous..." Small Lady said forgetting her decorum.

"The Cauldron?" Neo-Queen Serenity asked as if she didn't remember.

"Yes, it shined from the inside and glowed. Everything there was so bright and wonderful... and everyone who ever died during the war was saved by Usagi! Thank you for letting me go Mama."

Small Lady knew all that she knew, had seen all that she had seen. Thanks to Sailor Chibichibi showing her the events of the past she also knew loss. And Small Lady also stared into the abyss just long enough to understand her position. Just with a little isolation on the moon and teaching and seeing what it was like would send her daughter to see her ways and not that of Sailor Moon's uneducated ways.

Neo-Queen Serenity would teach her all about it with holographic projectors. The Pink Moon Crystal would not object because the intentions as Small Lady saw them would be pure. Small Lady would understand how her home was created, and how it was done. And Small Lady would not be horrified, because what Neo-Queen Serenity had done was never, ever wrong.

Yes, I used my former naive self and my daughter to eliminate the enemy. Chaos ruled in those hearts, yes that's true too and living forever in their eyes was a sin, but it was the only way I could get rid of them. It is here I gave Sailor Moon the magic and tools. I ran to see her, my former self. So naive, so innocent, would she even like me now, if she knew all of this? Would she stand to face Galaxia the same as I had done, and then get lost in the oncoming Chaos as I had done? Would she have killed her family or let Chaos rule the Earth if given that choice? But it is good to be naive. If only for a short time.

So judge me now. Hate me now. You will come to understand me as my daughter has come to. Because I'm sure once you look deep down you would have done the same. Even if you don't it doesn't matter. For in a few seconds you will not remember anymore. You will be angry at even the suggestion, the thought and eventually forget.

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? -- Barry Lopez

--END--

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Like it hate it, I want reviews with some content. Tell me what you liked or disliked about the story, and most importantly why. Critique Tolerance 10 (burn me like a witch). Thank you.


	6. Quote Notes

For whatever record there is, this story was not brilliantly easy to write. In fact, it was super, super hard pushing me to the limits of my skill. I almost cried several times. I had to make a character I generally liked evil and not only evil, but evil against her own will. Turning evil against ones own will is not something generally practiced in fiction. (I think Holly Lisle did it once).

LeVar Bouyer wrote a story about Usagi turning evil, with the Ginzuishou as the catalyst--basically what if the Ginzuishou was a form of crack. I had not read this story when I wrote chapter one, but I really did appreciate the style and wished I could write something of that format for Minako Quest Against Her Henshin. (It was brilliant for its pacing echoing much of Usagi's change. I love that Old school Fan Fiction anyhow.) The story is: Innocence In A Minor by LeVar Bouyer for those who are interested.

I knew before I read that fan fiction that I didn't want to use outside forces to prove that Usagi was evil. I did not want the cliche of an outside force infecting her or for there to be a magical reason for her to turn evil. Instead, I wanted to delve into Usagi herself. I wanted her to make the decisions of her own will, but be forced into them. Though Chaos was the psychological reason, I did not want Chaos to be the real reason for her to do what she did.

The idea behind this story was generated by Lunar Archivist who couldn't understand for the life of him why in the manga there would be a penal colony and where people were "purified" or sent to that planet. I'd always been toying with the definition of "evil" and "punishment". What is the difference between evil and someone you simply do not like?

Also the question arose if Neo-Queen Serenity and King Endymion KNEW when they sent their daughter to the past all that would happen. I know it's tradition for their memories to be erased (as was in another fan fiction of mine). But for once what if they truly knew with full knowledge that their daughter would be threatened, turn evil and have to be alone in the past?

War does some crazy things to people's psyches. It's really hard sometimes to differentiate the enemy from who is a friend. I learned this by watching this guy on a bus one day talking to himself. The feeling of despair surrounding him was sad, and something that stuck with me for months. Here was a guy in army clothes and a hair cut, tattered muttering to himself about a friend that lost his leg, repeating it feverently. From what I could gather he was the commander of this unit and he was close to this subordinate underneath him. He made a decision he long regretted and this caused him the mental trauma. He could not let it go. No matter how hard he was trying he simply could not let it go and he was stuck in that nightmare, living it over and over again, trying to say sorry, but not finding the words. If there is anything I tried to echo, it was that soldier. Because while everyone was giving him dirty looks feeling uncomfortable, I felt I wanted to cry for him. I hope I echoed that in this fan fiction. A generally good person forced to take decisions they did not want to make, but did anyhow.

The other thing that I want to emphasize is that evil people do not think they are evil. And this too, I tried to echo. They say they have no regrets in when others ask, but a good person will regret their actions in private. Winston Churchill himself did not know if he was good or evil at the end of WWII. It tired him greatly to have to make such a decision. When the bombs were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima it shook Einstein and Truman to their core. After the bomb was dropped, Einstein fought for them to never be used again, though he did help with the Manhattan Project in part because he wanted to help with the bomb (His student was the major force behind that project though). I saw on Frontline that Truman was secretly waiting with his hands clasped together waiting to hear that the bombs had dropped and didn't get sleep that night over it, still wondering if he'd done the right thing. These acts are things that people who were general brilliant and trying to do the right thing was forced to do.

I think you know if you're truly evil if you face your younger self and have absolutely nothing to really say. If one can face their own actions, take responsibility for them, what they do to others without yourself and when you face yourself, you still have regrets of things you wish you had done for others above yourself, that is good. I do not wish to preach for these author notes and in closing, but I hope this question really rung out throught the story--Who is really evil?

For those who are curious, here are the quotes I referenced.

Quotes Referenced:

Chapter 1 (Lead Quote)  
No one is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart: for his purity, by definition, is unassailable. -- James A. Baldwin

Chapters 1 and 5  
Battle not with monsters  
lest ye become a monster  
and if you gaze into the abyss  
the abyss gazes into you.  
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Chapter 2  
If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being, and who is willing to destroy his own heart?  
-- Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Chapter 3  
Death? Why this fuss about death. Use your imagination, try to visualize a world without death! ... Death is the essential condition of life, not an evil.  
-- Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Chapter 4  
No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.  
-- Mary Wollstonecraft

Full Quote Chapter 5 (End Quote):  
How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.  
-- Barry Lopez

For the last chapter (Chapter 5) I used quotes from Alex Glover's translations laced within the body of the story. I twisted them a bit though.

They are:

"...the land was still with the air of death... We closed the palace down after that, but they used poison gas. One after another, people started dying from it..."

"The life span of people in the Silver Millennium is about one thousand years. After adulthood is reached, the aging process is stopped. When Selenity was 22, she ascended to the throne and gave birth to the first princess."

"...For centuries before that, they sent criminals there in place of capital punishment. After a while, they stopped and left the planet alone."

"Just for a little bit..." thinks the queen. "Even though... it could change history..."

Usagi sees the queen running out of the palace. She goes to her.

"Sailor Moon!"

"Neo-Queen Selenity!"

They look at each other.

"Thank you..." says the queen. "For everything."

"No, thank you, Queen," says Usagi. "Oh, there's so much I want to say."

The queen stands with King Endymion, and the four sailor soldiers of the future.

"Someday, we'll run into each other. The future. Someday, we can meet. Farewell."

"Please," Diana says, "I request that I may once more go to the past! Isn't the source of the disturbance crossing time the attack of the enemies Sailor Moon and the others are fighting!? I wish to assist by going to Sailor Moon, defeating the enemies, and returning peace as it was!"

"Small Lady, your training has been completed. You gave the space-time key back to Pluto. Now you must study many things here in the 30th century."

"But-!" Small Lady objected.

"Now, good night. Tomorrow you will begin your curriculum of education at the remote palace on the moon."

Thanks to all who read and reviewed this story.

Ja ne!  
Hitsuji Kinno

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Like it hate it, I want reviews with some content. Tell me what you liked or disliked about the story, and most importantly why. Critique Tolerance 10 (burn me like a witch). Thank you.


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